Thursday, April 26, 2012

Little letters.

Dear Picnik,
So pissed at you right now. Can't even go there.

Dear Mcondalds cup,
I have been re-using you for a week now, which probably is not a good idea. Since the sight of water makes me want to hurl, drinking it through your paper cup has made it slightly more tolerable. I have been feeling like Bella in that whole drinking blood with a straw scene from Breaking Dawn.

Dear trashy girly tv shows,
I'm looking at you Real Housewives of Atlanta. Thanks for your overabundance of guilty pleasure when I am just too tired to really focus on anything with substance.

And speaking of tv shows....

Dear CW network,
The best thing you have ever given me is Damon Salvatore. My hormonal pregnancy dreams cannot thank you enough. ;)

Dear Instragram,
About time you jumped on the Android party.

Dear running shoes,
I miss you so much it hurts. Let's make a date in a couple weeks, ok?

Dear mean old ladies sitting there gossiping at Panera,
You're 80, now is good time to grow the hell up. Talking shiz about people as they walk by is not nice. And they say our generation is a bad example.....

Dear uterus,
Let's move this party a little farther north shall we? Your un-cooperation with hearing our little one's heartbeat on Monday just won't cut it. Not to mention you and my sciatic nerve are not the best of friends right now.

Dear bean,
Iloveyou! Iloveyou! Iloveyou!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Unbalanced Britt.

I'm feeling rather unbalanced lately. Morning sickness may be one thing, but undertaking the amount of hormone changes that come with pregnancy has become a feat of its own. My emotions are hightened and I am finding myself more and more irritated with things around with me. These feelings of irritations are accompanied by extreme highs that take my usual blissful weepy moments to extremes. It's a lot to take on. I'm trying my darndest to keep focused, keep calm, keep balanced, but damn is it difficult.

I think I am realizing more and more that this feels like it is all happening 'to' me. The idea of my body being taken over by another growing force makes me feel vulnerable, weak, inhabited, and I really struggle with not feeling in control. My body is working hard to grow this little life force, but so is my mind. Everyday is a battle. Sure pregnancy is marked by symptoms and milestones, but many women don't talk about how much pregnancy can be a struggle emotionally. I cannot wait to be a mother, to have our little one in my arms, and to know that from that first cry my whole world is going to change. But I think what I didn't expect was how much my world would change from the first pregnancy test. Pregnancy is emotionally trying. It's ups and downs of worrying and wishing. For the women with morning sickness, it's a constant struggle of the mind to just keep going, just push through, fight the nausea and the desperation for the relief that comes with it. I can't tell how much constant nausea can mess with your psyche. I have had days where I thought I was going to lose my mind. And because I try and be as honest as possible on this blog, I will tell you there are have been moments where I cursed our little one for making me so sick. I felt angry. I felt afraid. I felt powerless. Then for the women without the common symptoms it's even more of a everything ok with my baby? Why aren't I sick? What is wrong with me? The amount of worry that is associated with pregnancy is so much more than I expected.

I expected to be used to worrying once our little one arrives, but I never knew the amount of unbalance I would feel in the progress. There is that ingrained fear to not get too attached, to not love too much. to not hope for something too soon knowing there is a chance of losing it. Today I reached 12 weeks, the safemark zone for the decreased level of chance of miscarriage, and I can say this morning I woke feeling a slight weight off of my shoulders. I felt like I could love a little more, I could get a little more excited, I could think about and talk to our little one because now it was real, now it was safe. It's so silly, but up until this point I was terrified to love something so much with a fear of losing it. And when I love, I love big. I've always been told that as a mother you have two hearts, your own, and the other heart that beats outside your chest in rhythm with your child. This morning I felt that second heart growing.

This morning I have new hope. I have hope that in a few weeks this morning sickness will be a thing of the past and I will feel like me again. I have hope that I can get back to running because I seriously miss the concrete under my sneakers. I have hope that these cravings for salads, fruits and veggies continues because a healthy mama means a healthy baby. And I have hope that all my deciseveness about school, choosing a career, and figuring out what I want to do with my life has all culminated into the best job title I have ever had, being a mom.

Happy 12 weeks little bean, we made it!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Growing a human.

The cat is officially out of the bag. That dear sweet man of mine and I are expecting our first child this November and we couldn't be more thrilled. At only 11 weeks, I can already say the whole process has been a huge learning experience. I am finding out more than I ever thought I knew about having and growing a human. It is tough work!

I'm so excited to document this journey on the blog and be able to share with all of you.

Pregnancy has definitely given me a newfound sense of humor. I'm nearing the end of the first trimester and here is what I have learned so far...

1) Bubble baths have shot to the top of my list of favorite things. There is just something about floating in the warm weightless-ness that calms me down. I guess that is what it feels like for the bean 24/7.

2) The person who coined the term 'morning sickness' is an idiot. This shiz lasts morning, noon, and night.

3) Things don't taste the same way coming up as they did going down. Because of that I won't be eating ice-cream, salsa, or spaghetti anytime soon. Enough said.

4) The phrase "You're not even that pregnant" has become a popular one I keep hearing lately. You may not see evidence of a baby, but my body is doing all kinds of crazy stuff inside. Don't believe me? Come here and let me puke on you.

5) I'm loving seeing an enhanced loving and doting side of Aaron. The man even collected Walmart trash bags and stored them in my car for me, in case of sickly emergency. That my friends, is love.

6) Getting around to washing my hair more than once a week is a damn miracle. Ponytails...lots and lots of ponytails.

7) Grape popsicles and greek salads are what it is all about.

8) I'm learning it's ok to ask for help. I have gone into pregnancy with a 'tough it out' mentality since I am pursuing a natural birth, but when it comes to puking and needing to be able to keep functioning at work, it's ok to ask for help.

9) Don't let anyone try and guilt you into making decisions about your pregnancy. Only you can decide what is best for you, your baby, and your family. Have the birth you want.

10) Mantras are your best friend, think Thomas the Train. The morning sickness and the exhaustion is rough, but it's all going to be worth's going to be soooo worth it. I think I can. I think I can.

We can't wait to meet you little bean!

A new little turkey.

This year we are going to have a little something extra to be thankful for...

Back in March, I POAS (peed on a stick).

Future little Fiehn, due November 7, 2012.

I told you it was going to be a 'due big things' kind of year.